This absolutely can not be in your extensive list of dealbreakers.

Online dating is a game. Hell, dating is a game if you want to break it down, but online dating is really a game. You have to attract people based on photos and some prose you write in your profile, you have to keep them interested long enough ’til one person asks the other to meet, but not too long or they’re just going to think you’re boring/prude/weird/married, and then you’ve got to keep them interested in you long enough to make it a relationship.

Eh … that sounds like a lot of hard work. But I guess attracting people based on profiles is a lot easier than attracting people in real life. That way, we don’t get rejected as fast. Or do we?

It’s time to play: Date that Cliche!

It’s pretty simple, really: Gather your friends who are on Internet dating sites and see who can go out on a date with the most cliched profiles. Girls, it’s a lot of free dinners. And guys, well, you’re SOL because no one actually wants to date the online dating profile cliches. But maybe you’ll get laid. Maybe. Probably not with this collection of weirdos and losers, but still. It’s a thought. Whoever goes on a date with all the cliches first wins:

• The Illiterate: “Looking for some one whose faithfull, likes animals, italian food (spagettey is my favurite!) and defianitely blonds.” OK, wow. If anything like this is on your profile, how many times were you held back in sixth grade before they finally said, “We give up. This kid spells like Glen Beck handles his emotions, but we’re sick of him?” Some personal favorites of mine: eachother, defianitely (there is no “a” sound in this word. At all.) and alot. Maybe if you go on a date with this one, you can hold an impromptu spelling bee. Loser pays.
• The Negative Nancy: Any guy who has a long checklist of what they don’t want in a mate, i.e. “Must not be a smoker, use drugs, only drink enough so she’s still sober enough to drive home, which would be about two to three drinks, must not be fat, under 5’10”, over 6’5”, have tattoos, earn under $50k a year, own any Hanson CDs or any of the Charlie’s Angels DVDs.” Yeah, that date’ll be fun — can’t wait to find out what you don’t like about us since you’re setting yourself up for disappointment with all those don’ts. And for your information, everyone is entitled to mistakes, and Hanson CDs/Charlie’s Angles DVDs are among them. Just, uh, run out and burn your copies right now while no one’s looking. (Ed. note: Please excuse us while we have a fire to go start.)
• The “Hot” Douche: If there are 12 to 28 photos of a guy or girl and only two show him or her with a shirt on; and they’ve included their MySpace link in their profile for you to further research their likes, dislikes and several dozen more pictures, you’ve got a hot douche on your hands. Their actual level of attractiveness is probably proportional to their perceived level of attractiveness at a ratio that would make the odds of Ralph Nader winning the 2010 election blush. So good luck with this one.
• The High Angle Profile Pic: If you go for this guy or girl, what you see isn’t what you’re going to get. Not when they’re holding the camera that far away and that high up. Everyone looks better from that angle. Even better if they’re pouting or making kissy faces, because savvy, refined dudes — your doctors, your lawyers, your 24-hour bail bondsmen — go for that MySpace profile pic look.
• The People who are Obviously Super Religious: No, saying you’re down with Christ does not make you more attractive. Jesus. And I mean that in a vain way, not a praying way. (Ed. note: Please disregard this last item if you are trying to date a Jonas brother.)

Actually, I should rethink this game, because sitting through 10 minutes with any of the above would make me want to claw my eyes out. I’d rather watch Sorority Row next to Audrina Patridge telling me when the good parts are coming. I’d rather sit through Khloe Kardashian’s wedding. At least there would be an awesome open bar afterward.

Got a question, problem or a rash you can’t get rid of? Let contributor Stephanie Sims help. Write us, and maybe if you’re good and promise to stop chasing the cat around with that jar of peanut butter, it’ll find its way into the column.

Original post: Daily Fiasco